Here are some excerpts from the book:
***
Sporting white oversized sunglasses, and skin-tight pants
that might have burst with his first gyration, he exuded a
major God’s-gift-to-the-world attitude.
Apparently, any notice of who may have become the newest
band member didn’t interest him at all.
He sauntered over to the front of the band, took a breath and
struck a pose, while slowly grabbing the fake gold-plated
microphone off its stand.
I broke the silence by quipping, “You must be Elvis.”
He froze, then placed the microphone back on its stand, and
retreated to the house.
***
Suddenly, her girlfriend pushed her out of the booth and
said, “Let’s get out of here!”
They both immediately got up and left without even saying
goodbye.
Perplexed at what had just happened, I looked over at
Benny.
Mystery solved.
He had completely passed out in his plate of Turkey
Surprise, and was blowing brown gravy bubbles out of the
side of his mouth.
I let Bennie sleep while I continued to finish my dinner.
***
It was just after the 4th of July weekend and, sadly, Mikey
was on his last brick of Black Cat firecrackers.
We were blowing up everything we could find; our model
cars, planes, mailboxes, and anything my sister owned.
This is where my idle brain kicked in and I asked, “Hey,
Mikey, wouldn’t it be fun to throw one into the principal’s
office?”
***
The armed lowriders ran towards us, waving their weapons
like wild banshees.
I felt like Captain Cook.
I immediately jumped out of the car with one hand behind
my back pretending to hold something, and the other hand
flashing my open wallet, displaying a shiny badge which I
had bought a few months earlier for a Halloween costume.
I wasn’t trying to impersonate a police officer — no, I was
trying to impersonate the whole squad.
They were clearly surprised when I barked orders for them
to drop their weapons and place their hands on the top of
their car.
***
The couple began their dance but, after one turn, the bride
glanced at the band and did a double take.
She blurted out, “Oh my god!”
Wiggling out of her husband’s embrace, she immediately
ran towards our keyboard player and gave him a huge hug
and kiss on the cheek.
Then all the bridesmaids, as well as her parents, jumped
from their seats and ran over to join the bride on the
bandstand.
All the while, the confused groom was left frozen on the
empty dance floor, like Vladimir in Waiting for Godot.
***
Two minutes later, a glaze came over Randy's eyes as they
opened wider than their sockets, and his face froze.
His whole body convulsed, then stiffened up, and with a
loud gut-wrenching roar, he barfed!
It wasn’t an ordinary schoolboy puke.
No, this was an explosion, like an atomic fire hydrant from
deep inside his throat.
Everything he had just ingested came shooting out over his
teeth with every pound of force his stomach and lungs could
generate.
This human cannon was blasting milk cartons, plates, and
trays off the table, while splattering the girls in vomit.
They were now officially a Jackson Pollock triptych.
***
The next day, after Mikey came home from the hospital, I
found out that in addition to the multiple cuts and bruises,
he also suffered a shattered kneecap, two sprained wrists,
and a several cracked ribs.
I learned two valuable lessons that day:
1. Never take a backseat in life.
2. Give your best friend the benefit of the doubt when
he's screaming in an empty field.
***
A seven-foot-plus security guard with a short military
haircut immediately confronted us with folded arms that
displayed a tattoo of McDonald’s golden arches, which I
could only assume was done on a night of poor judgment.
“Sasquatch” probably got kicked out of the army because
they couldn’t find a uniform large enough.
He gave us a friendly grin, displaying gold bridgework
which made me feel that we were the "special" on tonight's
menu.
He was followed by an elderly woman who waddled over,
wearing a bib shirt soiled with last week’s food stains.
In a deep smoky growl, she asked, “What’s your pleasure?”
A little taken aback, I found that the word ‘pleasure’ would
be a bit of a stretch for anything this establishment offered.
***
I grabbed one of the fluorescent pink cakes, showed it to the
woman sitting next to me, and asked, “Have you ever seen
one of these?”
“No," she replied. "What is it?”
“Smell it.”
***
We knew right then we were in deep shit when he yelled
loud enough for all of Tahoe to hear, “Get your asses
upstairs!”
We flew up to our room, knowing the wrath of God was
about to come down on us.
A moment later, we could hear heavy Frankenstein footsteps
climbing up the stairs, then along the hall towards us.
Tony’s dad walked in and slammed the door, shaking the
whole house.
***
She smiled and gave me a final hug, turned, and walked
away for the last time.
As I watched her, an unfamiliar emotion came over me.
I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself, and now knew I
had a full life in front of me after all.
The excited boy jumped off and proudly pushed his ride
towards Tony.
Tony smiled as he slowly bent down, grabbing the
handlebar with one hand.
He picked up the kid's tricycle and proceeded to do an
Olympian-worthy half twirl discus throw.
That Big Wheel flew 30 feet into some thick bushes and
made a big splash.
***
We quickly ran down a side alley straight to my parents’
garage.
From inside, with the large door propped open about an
inch, everyone lay silently on the ground watching to see if
anyone was looking for us.
After a few minutes, a parade of half a dozen marked and
unmarked police cars slowly circled back and forth through
our neighborhood.
We waited at least a half hour, but they didn’t go away.
Suddenly, my mom opened the side door, turned on the
light and asked, “What the hell are you kids doing?”
